Hi, I don't know if anyone will ever actually read this stuff, but instead of keeping a handwritten journal, it's easier for me to type.
I am seven years into this journey as a caregiver. My husband was diagnosed 7 years ago with non-hodgkins b-cell follicurlar lymphoma, Stage 4 no less. Having watched my mother die from cancer more than 25 years ago, I kind of had an idea of what I was in for. It has been a series of ups and downs and we are far luckier than many, but lately I've been having more trouble keeping my upbeat attitude. I do ok on the outside, but on the inside, I'm just sad. I think I'm just tired of being a maid, nurse and waitress. I've had some friends say to me, you don't have a choice, get over it. Obviously not someone who understands. And why can't you just let me have a pity party for myself once in a while? It won't last long.
I have however lost interest in some of things I really used to to enjoy, such as painting, sewing, knitting, reading. I've become very involved in the American Cancer Society Relay for Life which takes up so much of my free time that I just don't have the energy left for the rest of it. Sometimes it's all I can do to go to work all day and come home and cook dinner.
My husband is currently in treatment for a reoccurence of his cancer. He's had 4 of 9 cycles so far. This time seems to be much harder on him than it was the first time around. He's had more side effects than before and is much more tired. He's also 7 years older, maybe that has a lot to do with it. Whatever the cause, it's hard to see someone who has always been so active come home from work and just park his butt on the sofa and be in bed by 8 p.m. I miss our life, we used to have so much fun. We'd go out for dinner, just to the diner, and talk and laugh. Now our conversations revolve around how he's feeling. He doesn't really seem to care about how my day is anymore.
Work is a whole other story and I'll save that for another day.
